Dialogues of the Marauders Map
by GryffindorPrincess0894
Summary: Ever wondered what the Marauders Map would say to some of the other characters of Harry Potter? Ever wonder how those characters would react? Read to find out! Hilarious and insulting comments from Marauders and the antics of their victims.
1. Chapter One: Lily Evans

**Disclaimer: Don't own.****..**

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****Chapter One: Lily Evans**

Lily Evans picked up the parchment and turned it around carefully. _What's this? _she thought flipping the parchment over once more. She waited for a little while before stating her name and gasped as writing began to appear on the parchment.

Her eyes widened at the words written, she had heard those names before. Lily went through the portrait hole to the Gryffindor common room and spotted the four boys she was looking for.

"What is the meaning of this?!" she shrieked at the boys, throwing the parchment onto the table in front of them.

They all simultaneously scanned the parchment but their reactions were all different. Sirius Black took one more look at the parchment before glancing towards Remus Lupin, whose mouth was now hanging open in shock, and burst out laughing. James Potter looked quite shocked at first but couldn't help but laugh too and Peter Pettigrew had begun laughing just after Sirius.

"Well?" asked Lily impatiently "which one of you is which?"

Sirius was the one who spoke although his voice was weak from laughter "I'm Padfoot-"

"Figures" muttered Lily, re-reading what 'Mr Padfoot' had written.

"Peter is Wormtail and James is Prongs" he finished, now looking smug while Remus looked quite embarrassed.

"Well that makes sense, but wait... that leaves..." her eyes widened as she looked at Remus "_you're _Moony?"

"I'm so sorry Lily" his face was buried in his hands.

Lily sighed "it's ok, I just didn't think that was something you would write. But I guess it's always the quiet ones..." she trailed off playfully.

"Oh yes, and what a _wolf_ he is in bed" added Sirius winking.

Remus rolled his eyes and added at Lily's uneasy look "he's joking"

"Oh thank God. But just for safety, I'm going to go over there and I'm not going to ask what the hell that parchment was.." she shook her head, leaving the four Marauders to themselves.

"I can't believe she didn't yell at you guys" said Peter.

"Well with Padfoot it's more than expected" started James "and Remus is her friend-"

"That was genius by the way Moony" added Sirius grinning.

"Don't remind me..." muttered Remus "but why she didn't yell at you Prongs, I'll never know"

"Maybe she's falling in love..." teased Sirius.

"Oh shut up Padfoot" said James.

Sirius picked the parchment up again, re-reading it.

_Mr Prongs would like to voice his absolute incredulousness that any creature this beautiful could ever walk this earth and was wondering if Ms Lily Evans would ever consider going out with him... please?_

_Mr Padfoot would also like to voice his absolute incredulousness that anyone could ever be more pathetic than Mr Prongs and thinks that Ms Lily Evans has the one of the nicest racks he has seen in a while..._

_Mr Wormtail agrees with Mr Padfoot about Mr Prongs but will say no more on account of being afraid of invoking Ms Lily Evans' wrath _

_Mr Moony bids Ms Lily Evans adieu but not before stating that he too agrees with Mr Padfoot but wants to add that she has an incredibly nice ass to match and if she were a piece of homework he would be doing her on the table right now, and he definitely likes homework..._

"Genius Moony, I didn't know you had it in you..."

"Shut up. You know I don't feel that way about Lily"

"You better not..." said James menacingly yet mockingly.

Remus sighed.

Sirius mock gasped "did you see that James! He didn't deny!"

James played along "NOOOO! PADFOOT, WE MUST ATTACK! AND STEAL HIS CHOCOLATE!"

"NOT THE CHOCOLATE!" he noticed the looks on their faces "oh crap" were the last words out of the werewolf's mouth before being tackled to the floor and continuing to have an extremely hilarious pillow fight with the two of them.

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**Next: Bellatrix Black**

**Please review and let me know of any other characters you would like to have read the map :)**


	2. Chapter Two: Bellatrix Black

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****Chapter Two: Bellatrix Black**

Bellatrix Black was sitting alone in the Slytherin common room, engrossed in her thoughts. She didn't even notice as a figure walked up to her from the entrance to the room.

"Hey Bella" said Severus Snape as a malicious grin spread over his face.

"What do you want?" she snapped.

"Guess what I swiped from a certain Gryffindor. Actually four certain Gryffindors..."

Her eyes widened in delight "You _stole_ from the Marauders? How?"

"Well I when I found Black wandering the castle at night he had this" he held up a piece of parchment "then we duelled, but McGonagall found us before we could finish and in all the excitement, he dropped it"

"So... basically you picked it up off the floor?" she asked incredulously.

"Well... no... I mean... I duelled Black first... but..." he surrendered at her stare and sighed "yeah I picked it up off the floor"

She rolled her eyes and snatched the parchment from him. "What's it do?" she asked.

"I have no idea" he confessed.

"So you're telling me that this could be a normal piece of spare parchment and you interrupted me for no reason?" she said irritably as she turned over the parchment.

"No" he said defiantly "I know it does something, he was protecting it..."

Her face showed the joy she felt at having something that belonged to the Marauders, that they were protecting, and was hell-bent on figuring out why it was so important to her cousin and his bunch of miserable blood traitors.

"You know I think it might-"

"Shut up and go away, I'm working" she cut him off brusquely, getting out her wand, pointing it at the parchment and muttering a spell.

Snape sighed "fine..." and walked towards the Slytherin boys dorm rooms.

After trying unsuccessfully for several minutes she began to get extremely fed up and threw the parchment across the room in annoyance.

When she calmed down she went back and picked the parchment up again and huffed. "Look at me, Bellatrix Black from the Noble and Most Ancient House of Black, getting worked up over a stupid piece of parchment" she said bitterly shaking her head.

She was about to throw the parchment into the fire when she noticed some writing begin to appear on it.

_Mr Padfoot says hello to his dear cousin and would like to add that she and her 'Noble House of Black' can go and stuff it because she is nothing more than a stuck up bitch with a screwed up view of the world_

_Mr Moony would like to add that Ms Bellatrix Black must get her filthy 'pure-blood' face out of here before we all become mentally scarred at her hideous unattractiveness..._

_Mr Prongs agrees with both Mr Moony and Mr Padfoot and states that she should get her fat arse out of other people's business and go practice swooning at Voldemort's feet_

_Mr Wormtail adds that a trip to the gym is definitely in need for Ms Bellatrix Black, although she probably doesn't even know what Mr Wormtail is talking about as she is either too damn proud to take Muggle Studies or too stupid... _

She stared at the parchment with shock. Re-reading it again before her rage finally got the better of her and she began screaming.

"How dare they!" and with that she threw the paper into the fire and stomped away, not noticing that the parchment had repelled itself from the flames and was now lying beside the fireplace.

The last thought that went through her mind that night as she went to bed was _I wonder what on earth a gym is..._

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**Next: Lucius Malfoy**

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	3. Chapter Three: Lucius Malfoy

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**Chapter Three: Lucius Malfoy**

Lucius Malfoy was positively drooling.

Narcissa Black had just asked him out, and he said yes. In a very dignified manner of course, well as dignified as you could get when a chick asks a guy out. Oh his parents would kill him.

They believed strongly in doing things the old-fashioned way, like guys asking girls out, and for their hand in marriage etc. But oh well, he had a date with Narcissa Black! Life couldn't get any better.

"You might want to close your mouth idiot" snickered Bellatrix who had watched the entire, very awkward thing from afar and was now trying extremely hard not to laugh.

He scowled at her "I'm not an idiot, you are!"

"Says the guy who was so chicken to ask a girl out that she had to do it for him" she retorted.

He glared at her but didn't say anything else, it was hard to argue when she was right.

She left, still snickering, partially at him, and partially at the fact that her sister had an incredibly horrible taste in men.

He fell into a chair near the fire and began to sulk before noticing a piece of parchment, party concealed under a carpet. He picked it up and turned it around only to find that it was completely blank.

He looked around the common room and found that there was nobody left but a little first year studying in the corner. He walked up to the first year and snatched his quill and ink from him, the bottle 'accidentally' spilling, covering the homework that the first year had been scribbling away at for nearly two hours in ink. Lucius smirked as the first year whimpered, on the verge of tears and ran towards the stairs leading to his dormitory.

Lucius sat down in the seat that the first year had once occupied and threw all of his books and equipment onto the floor without a second glance.

He dipped the quill in the ink that was left in the bottle and glanced nervously around the room before beginning to write on the parchment:

_I, Lucius Malfoy, am the luckiest man on the planet! I have a date with Narcissa, I have a date with Narcissa, I have a date with Narcissa..._

_Mrs Narcissa Malfoy, Mrs Malfoy, Mrs Narcissa Malfoy-Black, Mrs Nar-_

_Mr Lucius Black, Mr Narcissa Lucius Black-Malfoy, Mr Black, Lucius Malfoy-Black, Mr Luci-_

He jumped as his writing suddenly disappeared and was replaced with writing that was definitely not his own.

_Mr Moony would like to congratulate Mr Lucius Malfoy, or should he say Mr Narcissa Lucius Malfoy-Black and wonders when he will finally admit to himself that he is a complete and utter pansy?_

_Mr Wormtail thinks that Narcissa couldn't have picked a more feminie boyfriend and would like to bet three days before they break up_

_Mr Padfoot agrees with Mr Moony and Mr Wormtail and is curious as to why any man could spend an hour in a bathroom getting ready every morning, he should know that his sexuality will inevitably be questioned one day..._

_Mr Prongs would like to add that Mr Malfoy is a complete and utter coward because it is quite obvious who asked who in this relationship, and tell me will Snape be your Maid of Honour? _

Malfoy stared at the parchment, his face growing redder and redder as he re-read every word and threw the parchment as far and hard as he could.

He sent a Cruciatus curse at it before stomping away in fury. Of course this had absolutely no effect as he had just tried to hurt a piece of parchment.

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**Next: Regulus Black**

**By the way if you haven't noticed I'm doing these in an order, starting in Marauder era. So for those who want people in Harry's time, don't worry they're coming and I haven't forgotten them!**

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